I’m writing this remembering the time when I was asked “Are you aiming to become a full-time employee?” when I first started my current job, and I was like “Eh, a… umm?”.
As a result, I’m now a full-time employee, but I went out to work because I’m not good at staying still at home, and I acted because it’s easier for my body and mind to be stable during the day than at night. But even after experiencing various jobs, I still have anger that doesn’t turn to resentment.
Society is very focused on the things that don’t really matter, and doesn’t pay attention to the important things. It’s all about evaluation.
I’ve had a bit of a stutter since I was a child (when I try to speak, I can’t think of what to say and nothing comes out), and I’ve always had fewer opportunities to speak than other people around me. When I do speak, I end up saying things in a strange way, so I end up worrying about it and stop speaking… it’s a common problem for introverts.
And you know, the people around me tend to talk to me because I give off an easy-to-talk-to vibe, so they keep nagging me.
I’m usually just spaced out, but if they’re being too persistent or contradicting themselves, I get angry and fire back with words.
A quarrel is the beginning of a war. (Arguing won’t solve anything.)
I realized this when I was alive. I have a natural fighting spirit.
It seems that I put pressure on the people around me, and when I made them angry, I gave them the impression that I was scary. They said that I had a harsh way of speaking.
The truth is that I am a person who gets angry at the contradictions of the world and at people who can’t do anything about it. My head gets all hot and I force myself to hold it back. And my heart is all in a turmoil.
I think that people who have a role to play are prevented from thinking evil thoughts.
You might think that everyone is the same and that it’s only natural, but no, no… there are people in the world, even in politics and in high positions, who have no heart or compassion.
If you sign a contract or are manipulated, it’s impossible for even the guardian angels to stop you. I guess rational control doesn’t work.
I also remember that when I worked in the nightlife industry, I was scolded by the bar’s owner when I replied harshly to a persistent customer’s email.
The reason I was scolded was because the owner was worried that the customer would stop coming.
I thought to myself, “Is that what I should be worrying about? I’m in such a difficult situation, but…”, but I guess the owner also thought that I was a difficult customer to deal with…
I think she wanted to get rid of me and bring in a new girl. I think that’s fine.
The reason why people work in the night world is almost always money. Society says that if you’ve taken up a job like that, you should do as you’re told. (To begin with, people like me shouldn’t be working at all. lol)
I feel an uncontrollable anger at the thought that there are jobs where you have to give your body for money, and at the injustice of it. And also at the crimes that use children.
Many times I’ve thought “I wish I’d been born a man”. But I quickly stopped myself from thinking that.
No, no… I can’t just give in to the violent nature that is unique to men…
This is my darkness, right? Also, there are other dark things that have attacked me. Is this inevitable?
I think that not just me, but other people too are living their lives now while facing up to the darkness they carry within themselves, even if they don’t talk about it. They are living without fighting. What would be the point of fighting… because the soul remembers.
It’s frustrating, and I get angry at why I have to be told what to do by people like that… and it’s the accumulation of days like that.
(HSP is the accumulation of the past, isn’t it?)
That’s why I was born with a body that’s not good at talking, and it’s easier to talk to and consult with a woman’s body. I can’t be in a constant state of battle mode, so I’m a bit absent-minded, and I think people actually think that about me. And I keep my distance to a certain extent.
I still don’t understand why they’re so desperate about things that don’t matter to me. They can just put it off until later or fix it easily, but to them it’s “something the country has decided”, so they just do it.
I just think, “Oh, well.” I’d rather they did their own part properly than worry about other people’s, but it’s just the people like that who are sloppy about their own things. In the end, they end up putting off important things and then it becomes a big problem, and I end up having to help out…
People forget about things like that.
I don’t want to be bothered by such trivial things. I know they will bother me, though.
But recently, I’ve been letting my bad habits come out without thinking, so I’m going to be careful… I forget about things that don’t matter to me so easily, lol.
I have to learn by repeating this over and over again.
This may seem like a harsh message, but this is basically how I am, so please understand.
↑An alien created by AI.
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